Motivate Your Spouse

For years men and women have been trying to find a way to motivate their spouse to accomplish some task. Sometimes it’s to find a job, start an exercise program, lose weight or design a budget. Couples go to see therapists, talk to pastors and priests, seek the advise of their friends and go to marriage conferences to find out how to motivate their spouses.

Sometimes though we get caught up in changing our spouse and we lose sight of the whole relationship.

There are several things that we can do to motivate our spouse or significant other to change but in the end the decision is theirs. So the first real thing that you can do to motivate your spouse is to recognize that you don’t have control and never will.

Once you recognize that the ability to change behavior lies only with your spouse you’ll be ready to make changes in yourself that may help to motivate your spouse to make their own changes.

Remember that your primary goal is a happy, loving atmosphere in your home. But, although you may be able to do your honest part toward that end there is a second person who has the ability to make their own decision. Sometimes your goal of a loving atmosphere isn’t as important to your spouse.

Stay focused on giving to your spouse instead of taking. This may seem counter-intuitive to you but helping to meet the needs of your spouse will free up your spouse to meet your needs. Words of encouragement and affirmation go a long way toward motivating your spouse.

This process may be difficult at first since there will be only one of you meeting the needs of the other. However, with persistence and motivation on your part you’ll find there are positive results.

When you are attempting to motivate your spouse remember to be clear about the outcomes you want. You should know the meaning of your communication before you speak and evaluate the response before you react. Silence may be your best choice of action until you and your spouse have calmed down.

Research has shown that it takes 5 positive comments to overcome the negative effects of one poorly chosen comment. Show your appreciation during the day and offer a positive comment a couple of times a day. It’s important to determine what is a positive comment for your spouse. You may feel that complimenting their fashion sense is appropriate while they value their ability to feed the family. The trick is to find what they value and use that to help motivate your spouse.

Be a good listener. Your spouse has something to say, even if it’s only with 10 words. Watch body language and learn to interpret what they mean. Be considerate of their feelings and needs.

Most importantly you should have realistic expectations about how you will motivate your spouse and what they will accomplish. If your expectations are too high you’ll be disappointed with whatever changes your spouse is able to make and they’ll know it. This will only crush their spirit and you’ll be in a worse position than you were before.

There are common mistakes that spouses make when they are trying to motivate their spouse. These are inflexibility in the way you want a chore accomplished – your way or the highway. Nagging only makes your spouse and your children resentful and defensive. Lack of affirmation deflates your spouse’s motivation to attempt a job the next time.

And, interestingly, research has found that men respond best to confidence in abilities and respect while women need love. When men don’t show their wives love they, in turn, lose respect and a vicious cycle begins. One or the other will have to change their behavior showing either love or respect to their spouse to change the cycle.

Resources:

Hitched Magazine: How to Motivate Your Spouse

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1232

Essence: Ask Dr. Sherry: How do I motivate my husband to do better

http://www.essence.com/2013/04/19/ask-dr-sherry-how-do-i-motivate-my-husband-do-better/

Studio 5: Approach from a position of love, not judgment

http://studio5.ksl.com/?nid=54&sid=18718927

Examiner: Does Nagging Work?

http://www.examiner.com/article/does-nagging-work-how-to-motivate-your-spouse

Simple Marriage: 5 Ways to Encourage Healthy Habits in your Spouse

http://simplemarriage.net/5-ways-to-encourage-healthy-habits-in-your-spouse/

Revive our Hearts: 30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge